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A Tale That Got Too Big!

Our Most Common Annoyances!

This Is...

   This section is a list of many of the common annoyances brought to us by many customers. Like Gift Card Man, it started as its own tale, but got too large.

Tale 3: Cardinal Rules of Being a Customer

     I have learned that customers ALWAYS adhere to a set of rules. I think they are issued on a list similar to this:

#1: If a cashier is changing a roll of register paper, that cashier is obviously not busy, and will be able to check you out the fastest, despite the fact that they can do nothing until the paper is changed, and that it takes a good few minutes to change it. You are a better customer if you do this while all the other registers are open and not busy.

#2: If a cashier has just turned their light off and is leaving to go on break, they are able to help you. You must yell at the cashier not to leave until they've checked you out.

#3: If a cashier is just starting their shift, head as fast as you can to their register so that they cannot help you until their drawer is accounted for and they are actually open.

#4: When all the registers are open with no other customers around, head directly for the cashier who is busy restocking cigarettes. NEVER go to the cashiers who are just standing around talking. (Seriously; since I started working there, EVERY time I open up a carton of cigarettes to refill the displays, a customer head straight for my register the second they hear the cardboard rip)

#5: If you don't want a bag, only tell the cashier the second they finish putting your things into a bag.

#6: Always block the door to the register with carts so the cashier cannot leave.

#7: When it is 10 PM and you see that the lights are off and the store is closing, rush in at the last second and spend 15 minutes in the store, and purchase a large amount of items, ensuring that everyone continues working until you leave. Also be sure to ask if the store is closing.

#8: If an item rings up with a price different than what you think it should be, it is wrong. Even if the signs, price tag, cashier, and manager say that it is indeed the right price, they are wrong.

#9: Whenever you see the cashier use a counterfeit-checking marker on a bill, always laugh and make the joke, "Ha ha! I just printed that bill up this morning!" Cashiers have never heard this wonderful joke and will laugh in delight!

#10: When paying for a low-cost item, ALWAYS pay with a $100 bill. This is especially recommended right after the cashier has started their shift.

#11: If the photo tech has their hands in the black bag, handling film while their register is closed, slam your items on the counter and stare intently at them until they help you/bend to your will.

#12: When you get to a cashier's register when you don't see any other customers, inform that they "looked bored," or "must have been looking for work." Because we all know that the last thing a cashier wants after ringing up many customers is a small rest.

#13: If an item does not ring up right away, make the joke, "It must be free! ROBBLE ROBBLE!" This NEVER gets old. EVER

#14: If you're feeling too lazy to walk back to return a video, just leave it on a cashier's counter. They'll be happy to take it back for your old/fat/lazy ass. And they'll NEVER purposely turn it in late. *cough*

#15: If you're looking for help and find someone in the store's uniform, be sure to ask them if they work there. You should always ask, should the person actually be someone who lost their way to a retail-themed costume party.

#16: After someone has gone out of their way to help you, especially if they're on their break, NEVER thank them. That's just rude.

#17: If an employee is wearing a coat, they are just doing it to make a fashion statement. They aren't on break/not even starting their shift yet. Obviously this is a sign to demand their help.

#18: If a stockperson with a dolly full of many heavy items asks you to move out of the way so they can get down the aisle, stare at them blankly for a solid minute, then move out of the way as slow as possible.

#19: When picking out a video to rent, please ignore all the signs telling you that videos must be rented at Cosmetics. Feel free to go to the normal registers where you see no videos and where no videos could even fit in the first place. If a cashier tells you to go to Cosmetics, stare at them dumbfounded, then get angry.

#20: If you see a display of items at a register, instead of referring to the sign a mere inch away that tells you what the item is, ask the cashier. Do this every time you come in.

#21: If you are a woman in her mid-forties with low self-esteem, ask the cashier, " Don't ya wanna ask for my I.D.?" when you buy cigarettes. Optional: Get angry when they say they don't need it.

#22: If the cashier is still bagging your items while the total for your order is displayed, please hold the cash practically in their face. Doing this will make your items bag themselves while thye take your money.

#23: Even though the photo cashier is standing in front of an entire wall of disposeable cameras, you should ask them if they do indeed sell disposeable cameras. Sometimes stores like to spruce up walls with these cameras rather than sell them.

#24: When using a rain check slip to get items for a previously advertised price, ignore the "limit 2 items" disclaimer on the slip. When you bring up 10 of the item to the cashier, yell at them when they point out the limit. Then yell at them some more when they refuse to give you four more rain checks so you can get the other eight. Remember: rules don't apply to you because you're SPECIAL.

#25: If you're hungry/fat, feel free to grab food off the shelves and eat. You can also do this if you're a bad parent and you just can't put up with little Timmy's whining. Stores are just like buffets! If you remember to pay, throw the bottle/melted-chocolate-covered wrapper on the counter so the cashier can ring it up. They also don't mind throwing it out for you, because they know that you can't be bothered using the trash can near the exit of the store.